You know … it occurs to me , after all these years that there have been so many directional clues that I have not considered along the way to here .
Maybe I'm a little slow or mybe I just lost focus for a while... or maybe , and this is the part that scares me, maybe I have a fatal flaw when it comes to women, it's not that the women I have known were bad, far from it, I have been extremely lucky to have known every one of them, but I am sure now, that as much as I would have wished it were not so, in every case we were not suited to each other.
Is it the accumulating years that lead me to believe that the ones that I did not explore fully are the very ones I may have had the best chance with? Or is it just that crazy “road not taken” thing that does it?
I would have liked to grow with someone, but it seems that is not my fate.
I have wanted that thing , that ubiquidious “spark” I think in some cases I have tried to build the spark bu that can't work. Other times I have hoped that the spark would come, or that it wasn't really nescicary but the truth is I have always wanted N ora Charles... you know Nick's wife... from “The Thin Man” books.... Ballsy, interogative, gutsy, faithful. Don't get me wrong every woman I've known has had these traits even if they didn't know it, I guess it was more about the other things we both brought along.
Still.... more than anything else I have wanted a partner, a partner in truth to share it all with without fear or shame. You see … My problem is I have seen it … I have seen quite a few couples that have achieved that balance, kind in nature and spirit, accepting, loving.... not perfect, Hell no, not that … but considerate and considered.
As much as I love and admire these lucky couples... my envy is almost too distracting.
Yes of course I want what they have... I'd love to find my match but maybe that is not for all of us, or maybe it's just for the ones that can read the clues.
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